Dating Advice, Should a Woman Pursue a Man?

Rob Kowalski
4 min readJun 4, 2019

I get a lot of women ask me, “Should a woman pursue a man?”

The first thing I want to do is define the word pursue. By pursuing, I don’t mean making your interest known; but there is a fine line between letting a guy know he has the green light to ask you out and chasing him.

Men, we like to pursue. We are hunters by nature and we like a challenge. We have climbed mountains, swam rivers, and fought wars for women. What we don’t like is to be rejected. It’s a blow to our ego and women are mysterious to us; so it is ok to let him know you are interested or open to him pursuing you.

To do this, you have to give something to let him know that you are interested:

  1. Eye sex — looking at him from across the room until your eyes meet then looking away. That let’s him know it’s ok to approach you.
  2. Subtle cues — looking into his eyes when he is talking to you or touching his arm. These will all tell guys, “hey it’s ok to ask me out”.
  3. Like his post. Trust me, if you like a man’s post; he is looking at your profile and seeing if you are the type of person he would be interested in. This is so easy for men today — we can drop you a message in your DM. Back in the dark ages, we had to approach you in bars.

But, if you are leaving subtle cues and he isn’t picking up on them or reciprocating; there’s a very good chance that he isn’t interested in you and you need to move on. If that guy isn’t calling you and texting you first, asking if he can hang out with YOU; then he is more than likely not interested.

This is the most important thing I will say in this video: The person that is less interested is always in control. The person that is less emotionally invested, the person that can say goodbye easier, is the one that has the advantage in the relationship…always.

You don’t want to start a relationship at a position of disadvantage. Plus, I believe that when it’s true love; no one is in control, it’s two people that are equals. Sure, if you pursue him you may get him to be interested in you for a little while and you can more than likely get him to have sex with you; but he will be looking over his shoulder for ‘the next best thing’ in no time. And, even if you do somehow ‘get him’ you will have a guy that’s one foot in and one foot out — and neither one of you will be able to satisfy the other deeply long-term.

This is why I tell women not to have sex with men before a real commitment has been made (aka marriage).

When a woman pursues, it sends a signal of desperation. Nothing says thirsty like a woman that is coming after you. So the most important thing for you is to know your worth. YOU are the prize! Nothing is sexier than a woman that is independent.

If you ask a man out, he might say yes; but you have emasculated him. You have become the man in the relationship. Even if he says yes and you begin to date there’s a very good chance you will be doing the work moving forward — asking him when you can see him and chasing him around. You need to be looking for someone that goes out of their way to make it obvious they want you in their life.

There’s a saying, “If a man wants you nothing will keep him away. If he doesn’t nothing will make him stay.” So be honest and ask yourself the question, “Am I pursuing him harder than he is pursuing me?” If the answer is yes, take a step back.

Lastly, women like to make up things in their mind and make his actions mean things they really don’t. If he’s not pursuing you, it’s not because he is shy, or you intimidate him, or because he’s been hurt before. The hard truth is, he simply doesn’t like you enough.

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Rob Kowalski

Jesus follower, Author, Unplugged Christian Alphas Founder