Is Sex Positivity Just Another Term For Being Slutty?

Rob Kowalski
5 min readNov 3, 2020

Earlier this year I was on the We Met At Acme Podcast and I learned a new term, sex positive. It made me wonder are there people that are “sex negative?” But I did some research because I wanted to learn more. I was surprised to see the amount of information out there on the subject and how many women, even very attractive women that were advocating for this approach to sexuality.

For those of you like me that don’t know what the term means, I looked up the definition in Urban Dictionary. The first definition was as follows:

An approach to sex and human sexuality that embraces the full benefits of sexual interaction as healthy and uplifting, based upon the premise that sexual expression is good and healthy and that societal repression or control of the individual’s sex-drive is bad and unhealthy.

And the second definition:

A complicated term for the word slut.

For those of you that don’t know my story, I’ve had a lot of casual sex. I won’t get into numbers, but I’ve known, Biblically, more than my share of “sex positive” women in my day. I’ve also been abstaining from sex (albeit not perfectly) for the past several years. So I have a very unique perspective when it comes to sexuality and the consequences of this very powerful drive we all have.

I say all of that to say to anyone that disagrees with what I’m about to say, “spare me your opinion. I’ve done what you’ve done, you haven’t done what I’ve done.” It would be like a 14 year old trying to tell a forty year old what it’s like to be 35. They don’t know because they haven’t been there. They might have an idea of what it’s like but it’s usually wrong.

Some people will say, how can you talk about this subject after you’ve made all these mistakes yourself? It’s because of my many mistakes that makes me a reliable person to talk about it. Would you honestly listen to a fresh, innocent, untouched person trying to tell you why you shouldn’t be having casual sex? Of course not. This is why in shows like Scared Straight, they use hardened criminals and not law abiding citizens to warn kids of the horrors of prison. Moving on…

So the host of the podcast, Lindsey Metselaar and I were talking about my book, Why Waiting Works, and she got her feathers ruffled at me for saying “a strong man doesn’t want a girl that any guy could have.” And by “have” I meant have had sexually. She responded by saying, “what if she’s just sex positive?” In the very next breath though she told me that if her future husband ever asked her how many partners she had she would “tell him it was none of his business.”

The fact that she wouldn’t tell the truth automatically indicates a level of shame. You don’t have to lie or hide the truth about things that you’re proud of.

Ladies think about it like this, if you met a man and he proposed and you got engaged, how special would you feel if you found out that he had proposed to every girl he dated before you? Not that special right? That’s how a guy feels when he finds out that you were sleeping with everyone before him…

Now I could say, but maybe the guy was “commitment positive” but it still wouldn’t change how you felt. So, let’s do away with the labels please and just call it what it is, bullshit. Sex positivity is just another name for being slutty. And a cover up for people being WEAK because waiting is F*%king HARD!

The word says “like a gold ring in a pig’s snout is a beautiful woman without discretion.” Translation, you’re only as hot as the people you sleep with. And if you give it away easily, it ain’t worth much.

So to all the “sex positive” ladies out there, don’t be surprised if you let a man hit too quick and can’t get them to stick around or you meet “the one” and they get mad and lose respect for you when you tell them how many men you’ve slept with. This is human nature.

Plus the same girl that will tell you how “sex positive” they are will be crying the blues the next day about getting their heart broke because they fell for the wrong man.

But if you are “sex positive”, and that is what you want to do, do it proudly, don’t lie or hide it, but also be willing to accept the consequences that come along with it, like STD’s, unwanted pregnancies, and the inability to find a deep lasting relationship.

This is not to shame anyone or that you are worth any less if you’ve been going about this the wrong way. If you’ve made mistakes in this area, there is always hope for the future, I’m a prime example. But there comes a time when we must all realize the error in our ways, STOP THE MADNESS, and change directions. God LOVE U-turns, and the break in the median is right here.

By the way, I realized I am sex positive too. I want to have A LOT of it, with one person, for the rest of my life :)

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Originally published at https://robbkowalski.squarespace.com on November 3, 2020.

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Rob Kowalski

Jesus follower, Author, Unplugged Christian Alphas Founder